I've been asking this question a lot in the last 2 weeks. My boy friend, significant other, other half (not better) has informed me that I am no longer any fun, haven't been for quite some time and need to move out. I was told that he never really wanted me (and my son) to move in with him and that he just did it out of the goodness of his heart (to a certain extent  and because having some financial difficulties) but that from Day 1, quite literally, didn't want us to be there.  Had it not been for my finances, I STILL would have moved towards living together because as we passed the 3 year mark because (I have to admit that to me) it was the natural next step.

A little background: He's 51; I'm 47. He had two children when we started dating (16 & 14) and I had a 4 yr old. His children are now grown and gone (21 yr old in college; 18 yr old working in Seattle.) My son, 8 yrs old, lives with us but is gone every other weekend to his father's. NOw that his children aren't children anymore, don't need him and have moved away, one of the biggest things that bonded us to each other is gone. One of the thnings that made me fall in love with him was his sense of duty to his kids and his respect of mine to my son. Now my son is a sort of detriment.

For three years, I got pack an over-night bag, leaving my apartment for work on Friday morning and not returning home until after work on Mon evening. I got to leave my 1000 sq ft apartment and go to his 2800 sq ft house and play house. I got to help redecorate his master bedroom and bathroom. I got to plant a garden full of tomatoes and petunias (which I had to drive over and take care of when he traveled.) I got to leave a toothbrush, shampoo, conditioner and a razor for convenience. When I stayed at his house, it was wonderful. I got to make believe that I lived there. I got to "act" like I belonged there. I got to pretend-just like a child. The only difference was that a child grows up with hope and a future to make it happen and I got to just hope. He never spent the night at my apartment because it was too small and he had a dog & cat that needed to be taken care of, and that was that.

Now don't get me wrong. I have loved this man for years (it will be 4 on Oct 10.) and have wanted nothing more than to grow old with him. He wasn't like the men from my past: he was financially responsible, paternally responsible, had a good and secure job, owned real estate, didn't need me to support him or help him out financially, he was wicked smart and even more wickedly funny. The thing is, the more I think about it, I don't really think he felt the same way about me-EVER.

I am trying to sort my life out...again. I am trying to figure out why I'm only good enough for the weekends and not full time and life long. I've asked a couple of ex-boyfriends and even my ex-husband and not one of them have an answer. The feedback has been sort of positive (I'm beautiful, loving, caring, sexy, responsible, harworking, blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada) but there hasn't been a real answer to my question. With this man, I wasn't the shrew. I never demanded anything (but I didn't NOT speak up for myself.) I was a good partner-in every sense of the word. I didn't do any of the things I'd done in the past because I tried to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them and it still wasn't good enough. I'm at a loss...

Which bring me back around to the question at hand:

What is it about me?

I'm not really going to cry, but I will stomp my foot when it comes to standing by my opinions, morals and ethics. My opinion may be swayed during logical, civilized dialogue, but God help the person who questions my beliefs as to what is right or wrong. I may not be a church-going person, but I was brought up in a fair, loving and nurturing Catholic home and with the exception of sharing the occassional gossip tidbit and not attending church on a regular basis, I try to make sure I live my life according to the rest of those laws set down on those two stone tablets that Charlton Heston carried down from the mountain. (BTW: no one can convince me that it wasn't really old Charlton up there instead of Moses. For Pete's sake, C.H. was as OLD as Moses, wasn't he?) Seriously, I believe that by living as good a life as possible and setting a good example for my son, is the best thing I can do for him AND me.

So...did anyone watch Big Brother tonight?  ;-)